Birth is nothing special. Any mammal can do it. Just because you got knocked up doesn't make you a goddess and it certainly doesn't matter that you were crazy enough to have the kid without medication.
That quote speaks volumes to me. It's not exactly verbatim, meaning I actually left out the more offensive stuff (if you can believe that), but that's the gist of it. It's an attitude that I keep running into and the really disturbing part is that like the quote above, a lot of it is coming from women. Aside from the fact that some woman would have the audacity to tell me (or any other woman), that my birth experiences are nothing special, I find it tremendously sad that she would feel that way about her own.
It seems to me that this push to devalue birth has reached a fever pitch and is part of a greater problem. There are misogynistic undertones to almost every debate made against natural birth, even when the debater is female. There is a scene in Business of Being Born where one of the doctors interviewed equated natural birth to "feminist machoism" (whatever the hell that means)and that he "frankly, didn't see the need for it". I can not tell how incredibly offended I was by that statement, not to mention shocked that it's not referenced more in the more "feminist" circles as the exact reason many men have NO BUSINESS in the realm of birth. But of course I shouldn't be shocked because like I said, many women feel the same way he does.
Where does these attitudes come from? Is the disregard for the process and act of birth a direct correlation to the disregard of women in this culture? When we are told our choices in birth don't matter and our accomplishments in birth aren't special, the underlying message is, we as women don't matter and we are not special. When you think back on the way obstetrics was practiced long ago and even now it's quite hard not to see a correlation. Misogyny, gender inequality, sexism are deeply ingrained in our culture, and so how can it not take root in one of the most powerful thing that sets us apart from men?
It saddens me to see these attitudes in women. It reminds me how effectively we've been pitted against each other. We are constantly seeking to invalidate each others choices, especially when it comes to birth. Whether it be vaginal or surgical. Pain-med free or epidural. VBAC or Repeat Cesarean. Each time we argue and belittle these choices, we forget the very meaning of choice and we devalue our sisters as a whole. Nothing, however, is worst than telling a woman that birth in and of itself is not special. Though it's been liken to any other physiological function (like shitting - an analogy I've really come to detested), it's not. It's by far one of the most complex and still in many ways mysterious physiological functions. We should all marvel at the fact that any conception is made and once made "sticks". The odds are usually against us. Then when it comes time to birth our babies, an even bigger miracle happens. We still do not know everything about why labor is started, but we do know that mother and child work together to achieve the goal of birth. When left alone and barring complications, it's a very harmonious dance between mother and child. It matters, how a woman is treated during this time. It matters how the child (both unborn and born) is treated.
Think about this: Without birth, our species can not survive. How we view birth is very telling about how we view life itself. Do you feel each life is special? If you are pro-life, then birth and how it unfolds should be special to you. If you are pro-choice, then choices in birth should be important to you. If you are against the death penalty because you value life, then how it's treated in the beginning should be of value and special. If you are a feminist, choice is one of the most holiest of words. How can you devalue another woman's? Birth is a very powerful thing and that makes it special. Women are the only one's capable of birthing a human child and so that is one of the many things makes us special. However, even if you choose not to birth or can not birth a child, birth is still special too you, because you were once born. If you've adopted, that child was once born. Let's stop denying our power as women and the importance birth. How our species thrives and survives depends on it.
Beautifully written :)
ReplyDeleteWow. I love this. Especially the "think about this" paragraph.
ReplyDelete<3 that you're writing again!
ReplyDeleteThank you anonymous and Kristi!
ReplyDelete@Katie the Baby lady - Thank you very much..I am glad to still have an audience after all this time! :-)
ReplyDeleteWonderful piece Patrice! I sooo agree with you that men do not belong in the birthing area, and also disturbed by the attitudes other women have, as mentioned above.
ReplyDeleteYes yes yes! Absolutely-- the way we devalue birth and breastfeeding is TOTALLY about sexism and how we undermine women's power. I really felt my latent feminism come back to life as I was researching birth when I was pregnant with my son. Thanks for this great piece!
ReplyDeleteSince you asked the question, I'll attempt to answer it at the risk of incurring the wrath of the followers on your blog. Yes, birth is beautiful in every way, no doubt about that.
ReplyDeleteIt's just that this obsessiveness is annoying to alot of people, the way cyclists in spandex are annoying. Can't explain it, but there it is. Plus the small element, not addressed, of the privacy of the child, who may not totally embrace the idea that his/her birth is out there for all to read about or see.
Personally I do not see how the birth of a baby & how a woman chooses to birth it could be seen as annoying...but that's just me. The "obsessiveness" you refer to are the women who are proud of what they've done. And my goodness why shouldn't they be!? Women who chose to birth completely natural are becoming rare since there are so many "necessary" medical interventions. In my experience, it's the scared women (and men) who push drugs & surgery claiming that it's dangerous, stupid, risky, painful, & unnecessary to do it any other way to be the annoying ones!
DeleteAs for the cyclists in Spandex...what a strange analogy! You must be offended by pretty much everything & I find that sad.
My mother told & wrote about her birthing experiences with me & my siblings all the time. We felt nothing but admiration toward her for her strength & gumption for standing up for herself to birth in the best & most natural way. We have sheer pride for our mother! Don't you? Who cares if other people hear about the way I was born...there's nothing to be ashamed of in birth, whether you're the one being born or you're the one birthing!
Thank you Doulee & Rachel! Like I said before, I appreciate the feedback! :-)
ReplyDelete@ Anonymous - That is an interesting take on it - the child's perspective of whether of not he or she embraces of the idea of their birth story being out there. Of course, not every birth story is written. Women just share by word of mouth.
ReplyDeleteI'm not sure how to take: "It's just that this obsessiveness is annoying to alot of people" Do you find all women who share their story obsessive or just the ones who birth at home and/or naturally at the hospital? Do you find those who advocate for these types of births obsessed?
I of course, can argue (and wouldn't want to) about the way you feel about something, but I am trying to understand it.
No, not at all, I think it's wonderful that women are choosing to give birth naturally. I had two caesareans, and wish I could have done it naturally, but it was not to be and I am grateful for my doctor's expertise.
ReplyDeleteIt seems the only women who write their birth experiences are the ones who have home births.
Yes, I do think some people are obsessed. The act that created the pregnancy is beautiful too, but private. A birth experience should be shared with family and friends privately; putting it out there on the internet seems over the line.
I'm sorry for the agressive responses you've gotten, but I think I understand where they're coming from. Women have given birth and raised children in environments much harsher than anything we have known, and often with the sorrow of having lost a child because the medicine just wasn't available. Most of them probably didn't have the time or energy to contemplate their "empowerment".
That being said, I think it is wonderful and necessary to have support groups like yours for women who choose to have home births without fear.
You are correct that most written birth stories are from women who had natural and/or homebirths & I'm not sure why. Personally, I am terrified of a caesarean & who actually like to read some birth stories about them since most stories where they come up they were in scary situtions or the woman felt forced. Why don't women who chose a caeseran write about their births? Do they feel their birthing experiences were any less special or wonderful? No matter what, a baby, a HUMAN came from your body & that's pretty amazing.
Delete"Nothing I can say or do regarding my birth experience can cause shame in anyone. If there is shame, it’s already there, it comes from within." - you. So glad I ended up here. Great post. Beautiful birth story. Thanks for sharing.
ReplyDeletealthough I agree with this post, I regularly use the analogy of shitting with childbirth-- i think we can use a lot of empowerment when it comes to both, as there's (obviously) a lot of shame attached there.
ReplyDeleteshitting's a natural, private act, controlled with a positive feedback loop (one of the few events other than childbirth) and much of the nerve pressure, frankly, is similar. where the trouble comes is when people remark that mom is just "shitting out a baby"...something that definitely undermines the process as well as the sacredness of the event.
i won't say that men don't belong in childbirth--i think that some men posess more empathy certainly than some women. but medicine is inherently paternalistic when it comes to obstetrics, and medicine doesn't belong in birth.
a guy friend of mine got back in touch with me after many years of not talking. It was right after James was born and i told him i had just given birth at home to my little man. His response was something like "you've given the best start to your child that you can give." Some men surprise us.
ReplyDeleteBirth is not special. Special means you can do something that not everyone can - aside from medical complications, any female can do it. There is no skill required to birth a child. You are not unique.
ReplyDeleteYou are correct in the statement that women are not unique from each other for the reason that they can all birth children, however, the author is referring to the birth experience. While the woman as a vessel may not be terribly unique, each experience is. No birth is ever like another; different surroundings, circumstances, attendees (including the child him or herself being born), different thoughts going through everyones' heads....every single birth is unique & so every single person is special in the fact their birth was different from everyone elses.
DeleteNow, the mother who is going through labor or has just given birth...she is also special because she just brought a new life & a unique experience to someone.
It IS physiologically very much akin to shitting, and there is no denying it just because it seems an unpleasant analogy. Prettying it up doesn't change the fact that it feels like there's a watermelon trying to emerge from your butt, and that shitting in privacy is hormonally preferred.
ReplyDeleteBirth IS SACRED. It is SO special. And yet it is common, everyday, and is happening every second all over the world. The fact that birth is the entry way into life, and the fact that our bodies are geared towards ecstasy and love throughout the process in order to bond with new life is what makes so cool. It is a neat human trick of hormonal amazingness, and I am endlessly fascinated, as it conveys feelings of deep empowerment to those who value the process.
I do find, though, that if I play it up to sound beautiful and flowery to some people, they don't wanna hear it, and it turns them off and makes them start dissing the sacredness of birth. For them it is simply just down and dirty, something we squat down to do to get the job done. And there is truth to that. Remember that in the western world, we romanticize birth in a huge way. If you look in some other cultures, some women have their babies en route to where they're going to find food, and if they have more babies than they need, they leave the baby in the bush. It's far more a matter or practicality and what they can handle rather than about valuing the mother's or baby's experience of the process of birth. If we push the "birth is sacred" to those who don't feel this way, we are guilty of imposing a belief not everyone has and doesn't want to be judged for. It doesn't mean they love their babies less or are not great parents because they found birth profoundly un-special. Birth is normal. And common. Painful and messy. Sweaty and hard. Sometimes traumatizing and heart breaking. And in my mind, really awesome. I personally cannot get my head around people not finding it as amazing as I do, but there you go. Others find eating or having sex, for example, holy tantric energy exchanges, and others find them terrible ordeals, or simply means to ends. Our thoughts depend upon our enculturation and personal experiences. I have come to have no problem with people not thinking birth is as special as I find it. ...as long as they allow those who do to have their moments. Honour goes both ways.
(Woah, didn't know I had so much to say... sorry for the extra long comment!)
ReplyDeleteFrom Miriam-Webster:
1: distinguished by some unusual quality; especially : being in some way superior (our special blend)
2: held in particular esteem (a special friend)
Ok, so me giving birth was not superior or unusual. All women can give birth, and many have. Point taken. But MY birth is held in particular esteem (definition 2) BY ME because I experienced it. I don't expect any other person to hold it in great esteem, but it is nice to share with others who do care why I feel my birth is special to me. (that said, I don't feel the need to share with people who don't care about birth stuff. :)
Saying that birth isn't special to a woman who has EXPERIENCED it as empowering and life-affirming feels to me something akin to telling a grieving person who has just lost their spouse to get over it because everybody dies, and there's nothing so special about their spouse. We would NEVER, EVER do this, because we recognize that to that person, their spouse is unique and the loss of their spouse means something deep to them. Why can't we do the same for a woman who has had a deeply moving experience of birth?
As a further example, having given birth myself, I CANNOT AT ALL RELATE to women who have orgasmic birth (intense pleasure instead of pain in their birth). It is nothing like what I experienced, and sounds kind of weird, right? So I can reject or mock their experience, or I can try to understand what that was like FOR THEM. Both for the other person and for myself, I'd like to choose the latter attitude.
Similarly, if you either haven't given birth or you did give birth but didn't experience it as ______________, you can choose to reject or mock the experience of others, or you can become interested in it at least in the capacity of trying to understand what it was like for somebody else.
I can totally understand people feeling annoyed by birth advocates, especially if they themselves aren't all that interested in birth. I feel annoyed sometimes when people talk a lot about conservative politics; I don't agree, nor care all that much about the thing that they feel so passionately about. But, there are other people who connect with conservative politics, and I don't have to go to their website if I don't want to hear the details. :) :) :)
Great post Patrice!
Thank you so much for your comment and contribution to the dialogue motherwitdoula!
ReplyDelete@Michelle - I love what you posted and I thank you for contributing to the dialogue in a constructive way. I totally understand too how some can be put off by some of the language or imagery of birth painted by some of us in the NCB. However, I'm hoping that all understand that I am not trying to paint a pretty picture of birth by saying it's special. No matter how hard, easy, wonderful, messy. No matter the mode of birth (Vaginal, "natural", medicated, surgical) bringing a new life into the world, is special and sacred.
ReplyDelete