Sunday, June 26, 2011

Why I've been afraid to share my home birth.

Before I write this post I want to make you all aware that I may ramble a bit. This is more reflection than anything, but I feel compelled to share it. If, and I am sure it does, it fails to follow the usually blog writing rules, so be it.

When I birthed my baby this past January I thought I'd be dying to write about the birth and share it with everyone I knew, but it's been five months and I've yet to really share it with anyone. Yes, I've given a few details here and there to a few choice people, but something has been holding me back from really putting the experience out there. I've been telling myself, it's being busy with my work, research, four kids but the truth is it's been fear. I've been fearful of sharing it for two reasons: I've been worried what affect my birth story might have on others and I've been concerned about negative feedback.

If you know me, those fears probably sound crazy to you. I am after all the woman very fond of using the quote: "Opinions are like assholes; every one has one and they are usually full of shit". Yet here I am, fearful of sharing my story. The really crazy thing is I am beyond proud of my birth. I am extremely happy with it, as it was the best birth I've had and I think that is the big problem. For you see, I am not afraid of scaring other women with a horror story of a birth, but instead somehow shaming them or worse, giving them false hope with a story of what was in my mind a perfect birth. I know, I know it's ridiculous. First off, nothing I can say or do regarding my birth experience can cause shame in anyone. If there is shame, it's already there, it comes from within. I strongly believe in this, but somehow that notion still had a hold of my heart. The idea that something other than good, positive feelings could come from sharing my birth just held me back.

So we come to the false hope part. When I stepped out of the fake illumination of denial and really allowed myself to address why I hadn't shared my story, the idea that I felt this way horrified me on many levels. If I really thought that sharing my wonderful story would be perceived as giving some women false hope, what did that mean? Could it be that deep down I didn't believe in home birth (or natural birth) as much as I thought? No, that wasn't it. It's a different issue. I believe that somewhere deep inside, I was worried that sharing my birth was wrong because I might be hurting the feelings of women who can not do what I did. Then I also wrestled with the idea that somehow I may even be bragging.

I've seen this fear when other women share their stories. It manifests in the "if's", "and" and "butts". How many times have you read a wonderfully inspiring story, but at the same time see it qualified by the author with the "I know not every woman can", or "natural birth isn't for everyone". Worst still is the comments that often follow the story of those women who want to defend their births that are different than the one they read about: "But if I'd birthed at home my baby would have died", "I had to have a c-section, epidural, pitocin, because...".

So where did these feelings come from? Is it a need to sugarcoat things? Be political correct? Or is it bigger. Is it a part of the fear indoctrination culturally ingrained that surrounds birth. Is there a part of me that feels lucky that I birthed my baby at home and everything was okay? I really feel deep inside that isn't case, but I can't deny that I've felt afraid to share. Maybe I am just being a control freak by wanting everyone to feel inspired by reading my story. I can live with that explanation. It's very silly of me, but what the hell, nobody is perfect. Whatever the case, I threw the shackles on myself, and so I can remove them. I am proud of my home birth. I will not qualify any of it with any kind of warning or disclosure. I will share it because I was inspired by others stories and I want to do the same. I will share it because I want to make my mark in the world of home birth advocacy. I will share it because I am proud. I will share in hopes that other ladies will also share their experiences as well. Good or bad. It's how we learn. It's how we grow!

My birth story can be viewed here.

11 comments:

  1. Interesting. I wrestled with the same thoughts (and some others) when it came time to share my birth story. :)

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  2. @ Doulasummer - It can be hard to be honest with yourself when you are having these feelings. Really writing this post is what that was all about! Did you ever decide to share your story, or what your feelings meant to you?

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  3. I can relate to your fears and concerns. I really appreciate reading your reflections, and I'm so happy you decided to share your story. I will check it out! I went to a recent workshop with Ina May Gaskin, and she made the great point that the birth horror stories spread like wildfire, and we should not be afraid to make sure the positive stories spread like wildfire, too. Share and be heard!

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  4. @ Rachel, I was reading Ina May Gaskin earlier in the week when I decided to do some reflection about my own birth. Reading all the birth stories was just so inspiring! I just love her! Thank you for taking the time to read my post and comment as well.

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  5. I have no been able to HB I want one so bad & now I am on my 4th pregnancy knowing the last birth failed t meet my standards as I was induced again. From my prospective I don't consider your or any HM stories as bragging. I consider them stories I want to & need to read. I need to know there are women who ARE able to HB. That they don't end in tragedy, that they don't end in a transfer, etc... I need to read stories of HBs. So from me & women like me, thank you to all you brave women who choose to share. Thank you.

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  6. So glad you chose to share. I say, "Brag away!" Don't rob others of the joy of rejoicing with you as you rejoice. :-) Maybe some of us will never be able to have a similar experience, but it is inspiring to know that these types of births can and do happen when we are flooded with birth stories of unwanted and uneccessary interventions and unmet expectations. Each birth is its own story, and for many women yours would have been a scary and stressful experience. What brings a tear to my eye and makes my heart soar is the utter joy in your words and knowing what a priceless gift it was for you to have the birth you desired - and to welcome your baby girl into the world with such peace and love. Thank you for sharing.

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  7. @ Natty - Thank you! I appreciate you reading my post and commenting. Reminding me of the positive impact these stories can have! Even though I know from experience (I love to read positive birth stories, especially when I was pregnant), I still got all caught up in that fear. I need to hear from women like you though..and so does other women!

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  8. Anonymous - Thank you as well! You reiterating my joy through your words makes me all misty eyed! I can remember reading a birth story a long time ago from a woman who birthed at home after a horrendous hospital birth and her joy made me so happy and inspired..I hoped to have an experience like that and be able to share it. I am glad I did.

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  9. Wow.... You have put into words, feelings that I have had for a long time about all of my births. I just never knew how to clarify it all. I also feel exactly as you, you have hit the nail right on the head. I ultimately want to teach and share with women that they too can have this type of birth experience if they so desire. I don't think that my having 7 out of 7 positive birth experiences is a coincidence. But why is it so easy for women to except and share a negative experience than it is a positive? Could it be just like the news, if it isn't tragic and horrifying then it just doesn't sell? You've given me much to think about.

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  10. Patrice - I am so glad you don't feel ashamed to share your birth story any longer. Everyone's journey is different; I bet you can say that every one of your children's births were different as well. Our children have their own journey at the same time. I have had 4 home births myself and every one of them is unique. Be proud for what you've accomplished and how you chose to bring your child into this world. You are amazing and your story can only be inspiring.

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  11. I want to thank every woman here again for sharing in this journey and reflection with me. For the encouragement and kind words!

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